Heartbreak

Sometimes things just do not make any sense....this has been one of those weeks filled with many things that just do not make sense. I find myself wondering time and time again why did this all turn out as it did? Why do I have to see 3 boys that I have come to love so deeply go off to an orphanage? Why are others seemingly walking away from the Lords plan when they seemed to be genuinely seeking him? But it all ends in this question alone....why is satan winning?

My heart breaks for these boys in a way that I did not think was possible. As I was teaching english to them for potentially the last time the other night, I just stared at them with tears in my eyes wondering what their lives would look like. Would they be raised up as godly men? Or would they end up in another horrible situation? Would they be taken care of properly? Will they know that even though we are having to give them away that we will always love them? Would they know that as much as we can we will still be there for them? I hate what satan has done in these boys lives, so much I can't even put words to it! I want nothing more than for these boys to grow up to be godly men showing the world that no matter how crappy their childhood was, they are still amazing men following the Lord. They will remain in my heart for the rest of my life, I am sure 10 years down the road I will still be thinking of them. Praying for them and wondering if they are ok....My heart is broken, I can not help them as I so badly want to! If I was not a student and I spoke Thai fluently I can tell you I would not hesitate to take these boys in, but the sad reality is I can't...

Then on top of that I am seeing others we have devoted so much time into stray from the Lord.....what is going on?! Why is satan gaining all this ground? Did we do something wrong? Or have we simply done all we could have in this season of their lives?

I am filled with questions...that I can not answer myself. But I know that deep down the Lord knows and and He is comforting me. The best thing I can do is release the boys into His hands knowing full well that He will protect them. He can do so much better than I can. And that if when I leave Thailand in a few months and I never see these boys again....He still has them wrapped in His arms protected forever. He is protecting all of the girls I have devoted time to, but my heart will always be with them. The Lord knew all of this would happen...

I am left in the spot where all I can do is pray. Pray for the protection of the boys and that they would end up in godly families raised up to be the Godly men I know they can be. Praying for them to never feel unwanted or rejected again. 

Praying for all the girls I spent time with, praying that the Lord would give them a deep revelation of His love. That they will understand they do not need to find love in others but in God alone. 

The verdict of this all being....God is in control, He will protect everyone of them! His love for them is so much greater than mine. They are safe in His hands! 

And yet, though I know this.....my heart still remains broken......but for this season I am ok with that. I will do the only thing I know I can do......Pray for them!