Full of Thoughts

Time is flying and so many emotions are coming with that.....7 weeks left in this country I have come to call home. This brings sadness and honestly a bit of anxiety along with it! This means I am having to leave behind so many people I have developed friendships with, praying that the Lord brings someone else into their lives to show His love to them. Knowing at the same time that I have done what the Lord has asked me to do this past year, but still finding a small portion of me thinking did I do everything He asked me to do? Could I have listened better, done things differently? I think the answer to this is yes, there is always something that could have been done more and could have been done differently, but this does not mean I need to dwell on it. This does not mean I am a failure, it means that I did what I did, I loved the people the Lord called me to love. Again I find myself thinking about the 3 boys I devoted so much time to....wondering will they be ok? Are they ok now? I have not been allowed to see them since they have gone into the orphanages but I am told I can before I leave Thailand. I miss them more than I could have ever expected, I miss them as if they were my own children. I want them to be raised up as men of God not men lost in the things of this world! Will you join with me in prayer for these boys? Just whenever you happen to think about them, pray for them, pray for there lives ahead and now! Thank you! 

On another note I am sure I will have a lot of these feelings after I leave Thailand again for all of the girls I have built relationships with. Wondering what is next for them, praying with everything in me that a life in the bars is not all that is in their future. That they will see the light over the darkness. The Lord tells me time and time again that light is stronger than darkness and it has taken me a long time to believe this in my personal walk at times, but now more than anything I long to believe this for these women as well! All of the women I have met are amazing talented women that can go on to do so many amazing things, but because they made that one decision to work at the bars that one time they are stuck in a spiral. The love of money is so strong in the Thai people's lives, and I hate that it continues to have a strong hold on them! We have seen several girls leave the bars and start on a journey with the Lord in last year. Which is amazing and so crazy to have seen it happen! But the reality sets in sometimes, there are hundred more girls still working on the red-light and they need to see the love of Christ. This is where I fall to my knees and pray because I know I can not go out and talk to everyone of them, I have to lay them all before the Lord trusting He is pursuing them! 

Oy I am sorry for my long list of rambling above! So many thoughts are entering my mind as the end draws near. Ultimately I want to spend these next 7 weeks doing as the Lord wants me to do, not as my flesh or satan may want me to do. I want to be led by the Spirit, walking out in the way He calls me to! I have seen the Lord move in mighty ways so far and I have no doubt I will see more before I set foot on that plane to go back to America (a country that seems so foreign to me now). 

The Lord can and does amazing things, laying all of our worries at His feet is always the best option, now if only it was as easy as it sounds! 7 weeks left and so much room for the Lord to move in my life and in those around me! Pray with me for this! Pray that we will all finish well. I know my heart longs to come back, but I want to have clarity that it is the Lords heart as well for me! One step at a time, also if you would not mind praying for my financial situation! I need just over $3,000 for my senior term tuition and right now I have no clue where it will come from, but God knows! 

*Just a few pictures below*

                                                                                         

Heartbreak

Sometimes things just do not make any sense....this has been one of those weeks filled with many things that just do not make sense. I find myself wondering time and time again why did this all turn out as it did? Why do I have to see 3 boys that I have come to love so deeply go off to an orphanage? Why are others seemingly walking away from the Lords plan when they seemed to be genuinely seeking him? But it all ends in this question alone....why is satan winning?

My heart breaks for these boys in a way that I did not think was possible. As I was teaching english to them for potentially the last time the other night, I just stared at them with tears in my eyes wondering what their lives would look like. Would they be raised up as godly men? Or would they end up in another horrible situation? Would they be taken care of properly? Will they know that even though we are having to give them away that we will always love them? Would they know that as much as we can we will still be there for them? I hate what satan has done in these boys lives, so much I can't even put words to it! I want nothing more than for these boys to grow up to be godly men showing the world that no matter how crappy their childhood was, they are still amazing men following the Lord. They will remain in my heart for the rest of my life, I am sure 10 years down the road I will still be thinking of them. Praying for them and wondering if they are ok....My heart is broken, I can not help them as I so badly want to! If I was not a student and I spoke Thai fluently I can tell you I would not hesitate to take these boys in, but the sad reality is I can't...

Then on top of that I am seeing others we have devoted so much time into stray from the Lord.....what is going on?! Why is satan gaining all this ground? Did we do something wrong? Or have we simply done all we could have in this season of their lives?

I am filled with questions...that I can not answer myself. But I know that deep down the Lord knows and and He is comforting me. The best thing I can do is release the boys into His hands knowing full well that He will protect them. He can do so much better than I can. And that if when I leave Thailand in a few months and I never see these boys again....He still has them wrapped in His arms protected forever. He is protecting all of the girls I have devoted time to, but my heart will always be with them. The Lord knew all of this would happen...

I am left in the spot where all I can do is pray. Pray for the protection of the boys and that they would end up in godly families raised up to be the Godly men I know they can be. Praying for them to never feel unwanted or rejected again. 

Praying for all the girls I spent time with, praying that the Lord would give them a deep revelation of His love. That they will understand they do not need to find love in others but in God alone. 

The verdict of this all being....God is in control, He will protect everyone of them! His love for them is so much greater than mine. They are safe in His hands! 

And yet, though I know this.....my heart still remains broken......but for this season I am ok with that. I will do the only thing I know I can do......Pray for them!  

Back Off Fear!

Today was the first time I ever experiences a fear of leaving the house.....I stood at my door staring outside ready to leave to go teach. But I could not by any means force myself to go out the door, I stood there for a moment wondering what in the world is going on? I have set foot outside these doors time and time again for the last 9 months, but now everything about the outside world made me very nervous. I was fearing what was out in the world, I was feeling completely uncappable of facing it all and feeling like a failure. I then asked myself is this me hitting culture shock? I stood there for another half a second (all these thought processes are going very fast in my head) Then asked myself or is this Satan trying to stop me from the Lord has in store for me today? That struck something inside me and it made me mad......so I prayed and told Satan to back off and fear could not grip me. I was then able to go with a little less fear, there was still something gripping me and maybe it is a bit of culture shock but satan for sure had his hand in it. But it is a good thing with the Lord on my side I am stronger than the fear this world may try to enstill in me.......When things get hard look to the Lord! His strength oh so much better than our own! 

One Half Done.....One Half To Go

We have come to the half way point and are quickly passing it....so crazy to think! Only about 7 months left in this country I have begun to call home, kinda sad. But I am very excited for all the Lord has in store for me in this next season here in Thailand! Life is busy but I am loving every minute of it 8)

We just got back from a week retreat down south in Hua Hin with our leaders, for a bit of processing the first half and gearing up for the second half. Here are a few pictures to check out. 

View from our resort

 Boat ride to Monkey Island

 Scary but cute monkeys

 Kayla, Chelsey, Jenny, Myself, & Julie chillin on a rock on monkey island

Out to lunch, hanging out with the Indonesia Team

Exploring Bangkok, ChinaTown

Now life goes back to normal, no more big breaks in our future, just living life here in Chiang Mai. Excited to get back to some normalcy with the boys I am helping with, with my students, and with our friends in the bars. Thank you all for your prayers and support! 

God's Love....Amazing

I have now been working with these 3 boys for 2 weeks, and man am I ever learning a lot!

There are days where I think I can't do this......then I go and spend time with them and see how happy they are. And then I know they are seeing a love they have never experienced before, they are being allowed to be kids again. My heart then breaks and I keep pushing forward doing the best I can to care for them and love them! 

I have also been spending a lot of time hanging out with our friends that we have developed on the red light district. Man the Lord continues to give me a heart for them in a way I never expected! He is longing to bring freedom to each and every one of these girls hearts, He is fighting of them! But sadly so is the enemy and man is it hard to see some days, but I trust Him and know He is going to do what He needs to do. I just pray for light to come to the darkest places on that street, that the enemy would not have a place there anymore! 

I love what I do even if it brings oh so many challenges every day and the lies that I hear that I am not equipped to do this. I am trusting the Lord knowing He gives me all I need every day, as long as I keep leaning on Him! His will is going to be done here and light will shatter the darkness! 

Just my random ramblings of the day....enjoy 8)

Half Way Through...Can It Be?!

Well it is true I have come to the half way point, I have been in Thailand for a little over 8 months now! This still feels very unreal to me, this life I am now leading is normal. So many things that are now normal to me, were never something that was normal while I was living in America. I love that my main mode of transportation is a motorbike, I love that I can almost speak another language (and that I revert to it more often as my first response), I am aware of everything that goes on around me in an effort to respect the people I am around, I spend a lot of my time in the red light district showing love to the broken. This is normal.....this is life!

But man do I feel oh so un-equipped to be doing what I am doing! I can't believe the Lord has entrusted all this to me, but this must mean I am equipped? Crazy to think! 8) I have just began working with 3 boys, who's mom was my student at one point. These boy's mom decided she does not want them, so the natural response of my ministry leaders was to start a boys home. So these 3 boys (4, 8, & 12 years old) are now under our care. They speak very little english, so each day I am challenged to communicate with these boys in their language and to show them a love they have never experienced before. During the rest of my time I am teaching english to the girls on the red light and going to hang out with them at night, again showing them a love they have never experienced before. A love that I have been shown time and time again!

But man these days I feel so unworthy to be able to do this, but then the Lord reminds me He has called me to this! So who am I to not walk out every day loving as He has loved me! This plays out not only in my ministry but amongst my team as well, I love them as the Lord loves me! 

My life in Thailand is now normal, change is becoming normal to me, I have now officially fallen in love with my life and would not change it for a minute. Half way and a half more to go, I can do this! But of course only by the strength of the Lord. He has so much more to teach me and so many more ways to use me in these next 7 months! The journey ahead may not be easy but it is a journey I will keep walking! 

The boys I am helping out with! My heart grows for them more and more everyday!